Have you checked in with your self-talk lately? What does your inner critic say? How does your compassionate self step in? The experiences in our lives shape the way our neural pathways develop. The more we experience something, the stronger the pathway, until it develops into a neural net. This net can guide our unconscious and impulsive reactions. And the next thing we know, we are talking poorly to ourselves and about ourselves. Truthfully, this doesn’t manifest the nicest feelings, or really boost our self-confidence. Unless, of course, your self-critic is regulated very heavily by your compassionate self, and you have all the positive self-talk in the world. If this is you, keep up the good work!
The self-critic has an important role: it keeps us in check and accountable. However, the critic can be ego-driven, and begin to rule the roost. Managing the dialogue between the inner critic and the compassionate self isn’t always an easy task. In fact, some of our neuro pathways are so entrenched, we don’t know where the inner thoughts came from, let alone how to make them different.
What is neat about our brains is something called “neuroplasticity”. Basically, this means that our brains change, and we can develop different and new neuro pathways, making new nets. Our experience shapes our brains, and by creating new experiences we can capitalize on this neuroplasticity and begin to make changes to our brains, and our thinking patterns. Instead of ruminating on our short comings, lets give some credit to our skills and strengths, focusing on the things we are capable of.
Exploring Self-Compassion
So, now you know what you need to do, but you still want to know HOW you can make this happen. For some, it is easier to begin by showing compassion for others. In some cases, this puts us in a very vulnerable position. Finding compassion for others can influence our own pathways and begin to make the changes we are seeking. When we build in this awareness for how another might feel, we begin to develop a stronger sense of empathy, and therefore, compassion.
As you begin to master (ok, maybe master is an exaggeration, a more compassionate term might be “practice”) compassion for other’s, you can lean in to compassion for yourself. Start to comfort yourself, and reduce the self-judgement, and begin the process of self-acceptance.
Self-Compassion Mindfulness
One of my favorite ways to introduce this to clients is through Bonnie Badenoch’s Compassionate-Self Meditation.
Hold your hand to your heart.
Close your eyes.
Now, what is one thing you need to hear today? – this needs to be a kind thing to yourself, can’t start with, or include the word “not” (like “I’m not a loser”). It needs to be kind, caring, and loving to yourself – think “I’m enough”, or “I’m loveable”. You know, trust in yourself, you know what you need to hear, and tell yourself this.
Say it over and over, out loud or in your head quietly, for at least 1 minute. Really connect with this, and notice what sensations come up for you. Some might find it is exactly what is needed in this moment, some might find this to be very uncomfortable, almost anxiety provoking. Whatever it is for you, that is ok. Notice it come, and notice it go. This is also where the magic happens.
The Guided Meditation
Here I’m going to introduce to you the guided meditation of a dialogue between 3 parts – you, your inner critic and your compassionate self. Take a minute to explore how you feel throughout this process. As you do this, you will be introducing awareness (aka experience) into your consciousness. Modifying the neuro pathways, and changing the nets.
Imagine you are in a very safe, very comfortable place. This place can be real, imaginary, somewhere you’ve visited, or somewhere you would like to go. Really feel yourself there. Notice everything, the colours, the textures, the sounds. In this space, there are three seats. You sit down, taking one of the seats.
Now imagine your inner critic shows up. Just notice everything. What does this character look like? Notice what is said. The posture, the body language. Just slow down and notice….
(Pause)
Now imagine your compassionate self joins the party. Imagine the dialogue that takes place between the compassionate self and the inner critic. Notice how each one is positioned, the tone of voice. Just notice. Notice how you feel.
Now open your eyes. Tuning in to the sensations in your body, what do you notice now? What did you find interesting about the conversation that took place? How did you respond in the moment?
The goal of this practice is to take notice of the conversation that plays out within our sub-consciousness. As we develop increased awareness of the emotions, the bodily sensations we can begin to make room for the feelings we are blocking and begin to change our neuro pathways.
Remember, it’s a process, a journey, not a destination. Try to exercise self-compassion and grace as you go through this process.
#selfacceptance #compassionateself #selfcompassion #neuropathways #innercritic #love #mentalwellness #counselling #therapy #therapywithniki