Who really loves being vulnerable, straight up emotionally raw (or naked), exposed for others to see? I mean that feeling when you can fully trust that it is safe to expose yourself to the world exactly as you are. Please let me know if you answer “yes” to this question, I’d love to meet you. The fact is, we all go about our lives employing one defense mechanism or another to keep others outside of our “emotionally raw and naked zone”. And for some, the defense mechanisms might consist of an intricate, and tangled web of defenses that hold people a football field away from seeing who we really are.
How do we know what our defense mechanisms are?
Well basically anything that keeps us from leaning in to vulnerability: that giggle when we are uncomfortable or want to ease someone else; that lie of omission or the half truths, when you aren’t truly honest about, well anything – to yourself or others; by becoming preoccupied with all the things outside of you, to prevent you from sitting too long in the uncomfortable feelings and what is going on inside you; the sugar, the shopping, the coffee, the drinks, the weed; or the “everything is fine” line as you stuff the feels below the surface. These (and so many others) the way the mind works to protect us from experiencing the really tough stuff, sensing the vulnerability that comes with letting go, and sharing all of ourselves with another. Consciously, or unconsciously, our mind works hard at finding ways to avoid experiencing something negative, or re-experiencing something traumatic that has happened before.
What are we healing from?
Well the emotional trauma from whatever experience it was that we are fearful of having again. This is most likely something that happened early in your life, and maybe it’s a pattern that you repeat in subsequent relationships. This is the stuff that gets in the way of speaking your truth in relationship with others. So let’s name it… call it Bob, or call it fear, but call it out for what it is. This process of recognizing what is going on is a great first step towards healing.
Now, take a minute… maybe even close your eyes and breathe through this - imagine a world where you felt safe enough to put on your emotional bikini and get a little vulnerable. Doesn’t that sound… well probably it sounds scary…. But could it also sound nice? Each opportunity you have to begin to let down your tangled football field of defenses, every successful outcome you have a of doing this, will feel easier and easier. You CAN learn and teach your body that it will still be ok, and you can come back from whatever embarrassment, fear, shame, guilt, etc. you worry about facing. It’s not necessarily the most easy thing to learn, but it is possible.
How can I find emotional relief?
So I bet the big question in your mind, is “how”… How can I work through my own traumatic past? How can I break the cycle and be my authentic self? It’s not as easy as 1,2,3, or taking a pill. It involves deep work. Besides, don’t some of the best things in life come when we work hard for them? There are various ways to peel the layers off the onion. I will list three of the many, please reach out and let me know other ways that have worked for you.
One way to connect with your body, and find your truth is through yoga. I recommend finding an instructor who is trauma-informed in their practice. Because we store memory and emotions in the body, there is likely going to be stuff that comes up in different postures. So being prepared and feeling safe to explore this is definitely important.
Another way is to practice mindfulness. This practice helps us begin to tune inwards and notice. What are you noticing? Well, you want make room and acknowledge what sensations look like in your body. Allow the energy to flow, without trying to block it. You will come back from it. Nothing stays intense forever.
Additionally, you can work through this with a safe person like a counsellor or therapist. I recommend someone who specializes in trauma therapy such as somatic work, or even EMDR.
I'm here to tell you, that there can be a better way. You deserve to feel good and feel safe in relation to yourself and others. It can be a difficult process, but in my experience, so worth it in the end. Finding your emotional bikini and creating safety within yourself is possible. The result: relationships will improve, and you feel exhausted trying to keep others at a distance. The truth is, there are times when we need our defense mechanisms. They work to protect us. BUT - after prolonged use, they can become maladaptive.